by Lucy S.
Last week of classes. Two days left. Then finals week - I don't give final exams, but I'll meet with students who are working on their papers and want feedback, and I'm giving them till the end of the week to turn in their papers. Then the grading begins, but I'm already grading because I'm still trying to grade essay 2 which I suppose I let them turn in far too late. Then again, it doesn't matter which ways I would have structured this semester. I'm teaching four classes at two institutions; I'm still a new teacher... and I can't do any of it well enough no matter which ways I might try.
I suppose I will try again to write here. I lost the habit somewhere; I guess I lost it when I was trying to organize a union and writing for THAT blog; and after that effort lost in the mid-summer, I couldn't find the motivation to resume this. And then the semester began. I'm overwhelmed.
I can't craft my words, and that's part of the reason I haven't bothered to write much of anything in months now, besides directions for assignments, if I even managed those. Emails, of course. The occasional minimal Facebook post. My brain feels so scrubbed of anything beyond the mundane.
I'm teaching three combination literature / composition courses - two are the same; one is on prison literature - and I'm teaching one composition / research course at a community college. I feel like I'm doing a horrible job at the community college class. I didn't feel that for a while, but now I do. And it drains away many hopes I had about this work. And with that draining, I wonder what was the sense of any of these efforts that I made when I went back to school, and I wonder what I'm going to do at all.
So this is why I don't write much anymore lately. Our writing is supposed to be an act of communication, not a self-indulgent rant. But I don't know what to communicate and to whom. I used to feel that I had some wisdom, some skills maybe, something to contribute. And sometimes I feel that going back to school enhanced that. But sometimes I feel that going back to school drained away more than I gained in those areas. Or maybe it's just something you really must do early enough. Maybe it's not something to do past your 30s - not this kind of schooling at least. Maybe learning to just do a specific job well would have been very different. Some medical skill.. .but I've never felt suited for anything like that. Maybe urban farming, permaculture... something I could share with many people from various walks of life.
This is the best I can do write now. Maybe I'll have something better tomorrow.
