Laboring to Care for Ourselves - by E

"Overextending myself is not stretching myself.  I had to accept how difficult it is to monitor the difference.  Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.”

Audre Lorde, Burst of Light 

I've always been raised to care for someone or something. Since I was a little girl. Take care of your clothes, toys, mom, dad, sister. Take care of some one.

When my dad would come home from work I was taught to greet him pleasantly without being obnoxious and to remove his boots and socks.  My dad did grueling agricultural work and his days were from 4am to 6pm, rain or shine.  I was raised to appreciate all he did and above all care for his comfort and needs when he was home. Of course being a mischievous, playful girl it didn't always work out for me.  For the most part though, I knew my place as one of the care givers in the home.  I cared for my older sister when she was scared and for my younger siblings when they were born.

As I grew up, I matured and of course went through a selfish teenage stage where I wanted things to be about me. I resented the caring for the family comes first mantra. 

However, I was still very conscientious of the care and nurturing my friends needed from me. I was always very supportive and caring when it came to friends' decisions and the situations they faced. For a while in college I grew apart from a friend because I realized that my life couldn't revolve around caring and supporting her. It made me sad and resentful that I always had to be after her to see what she needed from me. It was a good thing because after a while we both came to a good conversation about how our relationship had changed and we are closer than ever.

Meanwhile, even while I was in college I still did the care giving, long distance, for my family. I fixed bill questions, monitored behavior, received weekly reports and came home once a month.

At this time I also met someone I wanted to care for, for the rest of my life. I delighted in their reports of how their day went. I was supportive and positive in their decisions and goals. My very happiness was derived from shopping for them, planning activities we would do, meals we would have, and the lives we would share.

However, about two years into the relationship I started having chest pains, tightness in my throat, shortness of breath, dizzy spells, unexpected crying and mood swings and feelings of overwhelming panic. These would come and go sporadically, not all at once. I sought help with the school therapist and it helped immensely.

But is it any wonder? I was so busy caring for everyone else on top of two jobs and going to school full time. And one of the jobs was childcare!

This isn't about why you shouldn't care. On the contrary, I still work in social services and I can't imagine doing anything else. This is about making sure you take the time to evaluate what is on your plate. Don't forget to take the time to take care of yourself. And the most important, teach your children, especially your little girls, that taking care of themselves is just as important as taking care of others.